Monday, 26 October 2009


I am a trawler, awash in a raging sea. With no sense of direction, or a sense of purpose. With no course in which to set sail. I am alone, I am isolated. I.Am.Lost...

Finally, I have awoken. From this aesthetic day dream I once perceived for reality. Only to find myself alone. Those who I hold most dear to me having lost all faith in me. And most importantly, having lost faith in myself. I am lost, in the forest of my own mind. Having made a wrong turn, unable to find my way back to the path I once walked. Stumbling through the darkness, searching desperately for the light. Unable to do so.

I am a hollow shell of my former self. Leaving me disgusted with what looks back at me in the mirror, and the little self respect I have left. When you do not like what you see in the mirror, what is there to do? I've been asking myself this very question. And I'm pretty sure I have the answer. Fight.

I'm not going to stand here and accept what I've become; those who do truly are lost. And may never be found. Because in order to be found, you must WANT to be found. No, I'm not going to roll over and die. Fuck that. I'm going to take a step back, assess my situation. Wipe my mind clear, and sort this shit out. I WILL struggle & fight my way through the darkness and tree's until I find that path which I once trod.

But this time I will make sure I do not stray from it again. I will stumble & fall. But I will pick myself back up and continue onward. Always heading forward. Because I have the heart, & passion to do this. No matter what obstacles I may face along the way, I shall overcome them. And master my own mind. I will once again drive my own bus (to quote an NLP concept).

I will throw off my metaphysical cape and lay down my wand (to coin a Daniel Madison phrase) and hermit myself for a while. To search for my identity, and discover who I really am. To discover my purpose. I refuse to lose myself completely. I won't let my spectators down, I WONT let my friends down, I RE-FUCKING-FUSE to let my self down. I will rise from the ashes of my failures and like a phoenix be re-born anew.

Look out world, my true potential WILL be unleashed upon you.

Mark My Words...

Wednesday, 21 October 2009


Mundus Vult Decipi...

"The World Wants To Be Deceived..." - A phrase I've coined from Daniel Madison's arm tattoo. But rather relevant I feel, to the theme of this blog.

Basically, I have become lazy in these past few weeks. I haven't been performing that often. I've not been networking or looking for any gigs. And I don't feel I've been working on any new concepts as of late. Just flourishing. And whilst coming to this realisation I've decided something must be done.

I'm going to take advice from a popular phrase amongst Ignotus Defend and the whole T11 Community. "Go.Out.Perform." - That is exactly what I am going to do.
I'm going to start going out around Hanley or even just on campus and perform for people. Whenever I go back to Birmingham I'm going to make sure I get a good few performances in (just like the good old days when I first started not so long ago). I'm going to perform a lot more at the LRV and when we go to pubs etc. And I am defiantly going to start networking and looking for gigs.

I also need to work on the theory side of my magic. I haven't really created much recently. I've taken a few more vocal notes. But that's about it. I'm going to try and create some more concepts so I have more vocal notes to record. I'm going to finish off editing my first ebook and get it finished. I'm going to start my second ebook and get that finished soon. And I'm going to carry on reading more magic ebooks and work on finishing off Strong Magic by Darwin Ortiz.

I'm also going to get some of the ideas in my Personal Visual Notebook filmed and edited so I have some stuff to upload on the internet and show potential employers. Also for my own benefit so I can develop my creative skills in filming and editing and have more to show potential employers at the end of my degree. I also need to get some photo shoots done because I haven't had any pictures taken in ages and I really need to get my business cards done if I want to stand any chance of networking.

So as you can see I've got my work cut out for me. Being a Magician is much harder than you would expect. There is a lot of work you must do, and a shit load of practice. I haven't even mentioned staying on top of the magic community on the various websites//blogs.

But most of all what I need to do right now is improve my self, develop my skills and gain as much experience as possible, both good and bad. Because they are the most important things if I want to make it as a performer.

I need to go entertain the masses, I need to get out there and deceive the world once more. I need to Go.Out.Perform...


Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Life's A Funny Thing...

You live your life, taking it day by day. Not knowing what life will throw at you. Just taking it in your stride. Sometimes you fall down, you get back up. You keep on going, maybe not knowing why. But you do it. Because you hold onto the belief that things will get better. They have too, right?

"Life is a funny thing..." - A phrase I can't get out my head as of late. But I wonder just what it means. Or what it means to me anyway. I guess to me it means, life likes to fuck with you. It's almost like it has a sense of humor (speaking like life is a living non-specific deity). Like sometimes things will happen and it'll just make you think "oh come on, are you taking the piss?!" And then question who you are actually talking to.

Sometimes it really does seem like someone or something is fucking with you. Things will happen that really do just take the piss. Or seem completely unfair and undeserved. I suffered from such an experience recently. I put all my hopes into something and went for it. Only to be slapped in the proverbial face royally. As I'm sure you are already aware, it fucking hurts.
I'm still suffering from it now, hence why this blog has a negative after taste. But it cannot be helped. As they say, Life is a funny thing...

Thankfully I posses the knowledge to cheer myself up and be happy, when I want too. But sometimes I think people enjoy feeling a little down. I'm sure some people will read that and think "what the fuck are you on about?". If you are one of these people then you are clearly not the target audience for this blog. But to those of you who read that and though "hmm, y'know I see his point" (or words to that effect). Then continue on.

It's only human to experience all kinds of emotions, both "good" & "bad". And so isn't feeling down or upset or even depressed just celebrating our humanistic traits, surely? You may disagree, of which you have every right, as a human being. And exploring my rights as a fellow human being, I can happily tell you to fuck off. As it is my opinion and I am entitled to it.

At present my life is in disarray. This is obvious as I have entered a new chapter of my life. And it's going to take a while yet for things to settle down. But I most deffinatly need to start getting my life back on track. I need to stay on top of my work load. I really need to obtain a job or some form of income. I need to stop being a lazy fuck and start performing again, and go searching for gigs. Not only because they are a source of income but because I need all the experience & practice I can get and that is the best form. I need to get back out there, and soon!

So from now on I am going to work towards those things, and turn my life in a more positive direction. For my sake, before I put my head through a window, or jump out of one. I have the drive, I have the determination, I just need to put it to good use. As someone once said, Life is a funny thing. Well I'm going to start driving my own bus once more, and master this funny thing we call life...


Saturday, 17 October 2009


So here I am, back on square one. Such a familiar place, the cigarette ends of reminisce. The empty beer bottles of regret. Such familiar surroundings. Always with the urge to leave this place, never remembering where I left the key. And so I'm searching, looking for this key. So I can unlock the door and leave this place. Enter the real world, feel the sun great my pale face once more, and see a smiling face waiting for me on the other side, that warms my soul.

I did not come to this place in search of a relationship. But now I'm here and settled I find myself wanting. Not needing, oh no. But defiantly wanting something. I wonder what it is about our nature that makes us want to have someone else in our lives to make us happy. Is it not enough sometimes that we can make ourselves happy.

I for one have discovered the method behind making myself happy, and under most circumstances can achieve happiness with little bother. So why do I now feel the need to find someone to share my life with right now?

I was fine, for the past few months I wasn't looking for anything. But then I had an attack of nostalgia thinking about one of my ex's and remembered how good it felt when we were together. (If I'm completely honest I'm feeling that as I type this). And made me want to have those feelings again.

Relationships & Feelings make people do crazy things. I have a friend who split up with her boyfriend a month or so ago. And has decided to keep his child because it's the last remaining thing of him in her life and she doesn't want to kill that off. - Now to me that is the worst reason for keeping a child, especially at our age. But I'm sure in her head it makes perfect sense. It's true, love makes us do crazy things. Some more crazy than others. But it's true none the less. I've done my fair share. Once I even drove all the way from mine to Solihull in the middle of the night just to give my ex a letter I'd wrote to try n explain what I thought I had done wrong and apologising for it. I drove straight back home afterwards.

So I guess the point of my pondering is why do we feel the need to be in a relationship, why do we do such crazy things for this feeling we call "love" and is it all really worth it.


Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Out By The Lake

My feelings are starting to overwhelm me a little. This is starting to get out of hand, something must be done.

I've had a rather interesting day, early morning meeting, Handley costume shopping and kit collection, all rather dull it must be said.

And then some chilling time, some more nice pasta and some Bleach episodes. And then at 9pm went out with Bec, Ben and Kallan to the Lake in the nature reserve to smoke a few spliffs and practise some poi. Bec is fucking amazing, I get put in a trance everytime I watch her. I hope to be that good some day very soon.
Then back to theirs for some chillin' time with more weed and bubbles xD

Then I return back to RD just in time to be involved in a five man game of frisbee in the green area which was shit loads of fun. Then we were all cool and sat in our door ways with our chairs in our end n played games and talked and drank. Was rather fun, think it was a good send off for this trip.

Which brings me onto my next point. I will be internet less till around saturday as I'm going to Keswick with my course for some filming and shit. Should hopefully be alrite. A lot of thinking time, and hopefully some time to act on my feelings for a certain person and find out whether there is justification for my crushing or whether it's a waste of time and I need to move on. Terrifying thought it may be, I need to "man up" and just sort it out. So I can find inner peace, either way. But I really hope she reciprocates. I really, really do...


Sunday, 11 October 2009


Have you ever just lay on your bed and thought?
I was jus lyin' on my bed, lookin' up at the ceiling, listening to some Trip-Hop n deep in thought...

I have a lot going on in all aspects of my life atm. It's the start of a new chapter for me. I've moved out of my house, started Uni, I'm single, unemployed etc.
I couldn't have been happier to move out finally, and living in Halls is a lotta fun. There are some things to get used too, like cooking for yourself and actually bothered to do so. Getting the ingrediants n shit. Also moderating the amount spend on said shopping to keep the cost as low as possible.

Going to Uni is a whole new experience, my course is rather demanding and a challenge, but I'm doing something I enjoy so its all good. I'm in for around 5+ hours everyday. Whereas on some courses your only in for around 6 hours a week!! But it's learning interesting stuff, and doing interesting things. Keswick this week, should be an experience (Y).

I've been single for a while now, but that was my own decision. I decided it would be better to enter Uni single and free, I didn't want to be tied down to anywhere. (Especially when I thought I was moving to Manchester). I mean, I don't want to have to go back home every weekend to see my girlfriend, Ino a lot of people who do it, it's worth it ofc, but hastle.
But now I'm here and I've basically settled down and feel I am ready for a relationship if one comes along. I wasn't one of those desperate people who search endlessly for a relationship (I USED to be one of those people lawl) but if someone comes along I'd be open to it.
And someone has come along, which should be great, only I'm not sure how she feels about me. I really just need to tell her n see how it goes, I mean worst thing that could happen, she tells me she doesn't feel the same. Which isn't great but oh well, we get over these things, life moves on. So I just need to do it, think Ima do it when we're in Keswick if I see the oppertunity. Until I do it I'm just punishing myself and it's not worth it, it needs to be done soon.

Financially I'm fucked, I mean, I'm a student. But I really need to score some kind of money earner because my funds are slowly draining away and I hates it. I need to send off my application to that wetherspoons in Hanley quick sharp lol. But I really wanna get some gigs around here to earn money, because I can't think of anything better than earning money from doing what I love best, performing magic. And also it's something to go in my magic portfolio. I can record all the gigs i've done, location, style, pay etc. Help me in the future if I can give them a list of payed gigs I've already done etc.

Well I think I'll wrap this blog up here as I'm starting to go on abit. A lot on my mind atm so it's easy once you open the flood gates to just let it all pour out. Not something I'ma huge fan of, especially not on the internet lol.