Saturday, 27 February 2010

Propinquitas

"And this apartment is starving for an argument. 
Anything at all to break the silence. 
So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working". 
When everything's broken..."

 So here we are once more. Sitting alone in my room listening to Dashboard Confessional, wishing my life wasn't so damn monotonous and dull. It seems I only do one of two things every evening these days. Either go round my friends, get high and chill with her, her girlfriend n whoever happens to be there. (Which I do love doing.) Or if shes busy then I end up staying in getting high by myself watching LOST or Bleach or whatever else there is to watch. Which is fine every once in while. But not most nights. It seems like I rely on her to let me come round. Otherwise I know I'm going to be bored and alone.
The reason for this is my severe lack of income. And therefore I can't afford to go out. This also poses another problem for me. I am also left wanting in the relationship area of my life. And the reason for this is I don't have any "options" for want of a better term. I have no posibilites with any of the females in my life. And the fact that I never go out means I'm not likely to find someone, to create a posibility. It's not a problem for my friend not going out because she has her girlfriend. And don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But it leaves me high n dry. 
So the question remains, what am I going to do? How am I going to solve my problems and make things better. Because theres no fucking way I'm going to just wallow in a pathetic self pitious mess. I need to do something about it. To quote Jack Shepard from LOST, "I need to fix this." I need a plan. A good one. 
For starters, I need to sort out some sort of income. I need to go find out if I'm able to get a bursary first of all. Then I need to go to the bank and sort out my student overdraft. That will get me back on my feet somewhat. I also need to try and find some sort of job. And also get some gigs. If I can do all of that then my income will be well and truely sorted.
After I've done that, I need to start going out more. Super Fridays are a possibility once ina while because they are so cheap. But my ideal enviroment for finding females would be a bar. Being a magician that's where I can "work my magic" as it were. I've already come up with a couple of pretty strong openers to get into a conversation with some girls. They will need to be tried and tested ofc, but they should be fine. 
So yeah, those are some thoughts to act upon to help improve my life at the moment. I guess I'm just thinking out loud, so to speak, with this post. As I say with most of my ramblings, I don't expect anyone to actually read these. They are more of a way for me to help understand my feelings, and whats going on in this brain box of mine. 

Oh yeah, I went to the hill this morning at 6:30am to have a spliff and see the sun rise. It was nice, sitting on the hill, watching the world wake up. I should do that more often, and hopefully soon I'll be able to share it with someone. Hopefully...

Saturday, 30 January 2010

Half Empty?

Greetings. It has been a long while since my last post. I guess I haven't really had a lot to say. There's not been a whole lot going on in my life at the moment, especially not things on the "half full" side anyways. I have constant worries that plague my mind at present. Worries that directly effect me and my life, things that cannot be ignored. 
For example, the main one has to be finance. I haven't had a source of income since I started Uni and now my funds are running dangerously low. I need to aquire some sort of "job" and soon. I did think I had it sorted for a little while. Being a free-lance editor for The World Magic Shop. But I may have blown that chance now. By being predictable unreliable me. I may not have completely ruined my chances but things don't look too good. 
I also need to start getting some magic gigs, because they are a wonderful source of income when you get them. But before I can even start thinking about more gigs, I need a routine in order to perform at said gigs. So I can't see many of those in the near future, but I will try and work hard to get a routine in order to start looking for more gigs. So that is a plan for future finance. 
But that leaves no substancial job in the near future, which is what I primarily need to focus on. Ergo I need to find some sort of normal everyday part time job. Which is what I was trying to avoid. I will try and focus on obtaining one in a bar as I can then continue my less than ethical magic to obtain even more money. But whether I will be able to aquire a job in a local bar is another story, we will have to wait and see.
Oh and there is the far more shady source of income me and my best friend should hopefully be entering into as soon as he gets himself sorted. Which should help somewhat.


Another worry playing on my mind is that of my currently relationship. I wont go into detail as I do not wish too, not that anybody is really even reading things. But even so. All I shall divulge into that area of my life is I'm not sure it's going to stay the same for very long.


There are a lot of worries playing on my mind I dare not speak aloud, possibly because that will make them "real" and I would be more obligated to deal with them. So I will lay still my tongue and leave you on this note of distain. I hope it has not left a too bitter taste in your mouth for any of those still reading...

Thursday, 7 January 2010

The Escape Artist


Every word that you say passes through my ears
Before it even escapes your lips
No one learns from someone they hate.
Your mouth is like a grenade, blowing everyone away.


2010. A New Year. A New Start. - Well hello there. I know it's been a while. But I shall try to write new blogs more often from now on.
A lot has happened to me since the last time I blogged. And I shall take you through a few of those things now;

Firstly, and most importantly. I have a new girlfriend. FINALLY! It has been a few years since my last proper girlfriend. Yes there were the odd 'flings' here and there. And for want of a better term, 'one night stands'. But other than that, nothing 'real'. Nothing like this. I've finally found a girl worth keeping. She's incredible. And gorgeous. I could go on, and I'd like to, but I wont. So yes that is a big improvement in my life and I'm extact about it!

As you will have read in my previous blog, I did not get to go to Paris. But it worked out better for me in the long run. It gave me more time to practise & prepare for my show. (Which I will write about on my performer blog soon) and also it ment that instead for Christmas I got a PS3. Which I absolutely love! It's also a great help as I once more have a DVD player. So I'll be investing many hours in that, especially once I aquire more games for it.

I suppose next to mention on the agenda would be New Years. Well, to sum up, New Years was EPIC. An awesome drug fueled rave in my room at Uni. And I spent it with three of my favourite people, my best friend Tyler-Durden, my now incredible girlfriend Jod and the lovely Lu. I couldn't even begin to explain what occured that night, but there are plenty of photo's on my facebook and a rather amusing video. Lest it be said it was the most incredible New Years EVER.

Now bringing you up to more current affairs I am back residing at Uni. Ready to start my course once more on Monday 11th. I have taken up yet another form of manipulation to acompany the cards and coins, Zippo Manipulation. I have FINALLY aquired a Zippo Lighter, (a rather stunning old school tattoo style zippo) and have started learning Zippo Manipulation (along with my close friend Bec). So that will keep my hands busy, along with certain other 'things' hehe.
Also after purchasing my zippo I decided I wanted a traditional old school Swallow tattoo on my right foot. I've been discussing this with my friend Josie who does the Fine Art Course at Uni and is an amazing Tattoo Artist, and we've worked out a design, colour scheme and a price. And I should be getting "coloured in" as she so playfully puts it, later one this month.

So all in all a very good start to a new year. And lots to look forward to with spending time with my Girlfriend, learning new Zippo, Card and Coin Manipualation along with other forms of Geek Magic. And some rather awesome gigs comming up this year. I say this every year but this time I have real hope for it, 2010 looks like it's going to be an awesome year!

Sunday, 20 December 2009

EuroStar Disaster

Greetings. Your probably wondering who I am, don't you remember me? Well I'm not that surprised, it has been a while hasn't it.
But do not fear, for I am back. And will become a regular visitor once more.

Well, here I am, at home. Where should I be? I'm glad you asked. I SHOULD be in Paris right now with my good friend Jin enjoying the Parisian culture in all it's glory. Why am I not there I here you ask? Well that my friends is because of, to quote EuroStar, "adverse weather conditions." We spent from around 10am till 7pm today in St. Pancris Station in London trying to get a train to Paris. But to no avail. We spent the entire day around the Kings Cross area running on nothing but false hope and will power. (Oh and some noodles from the Chop Chop Noodle Bar). All for nothing.
This wouldn't have been AS bad were it not for the false hope we were fed at around 5pm when we were informed that some emergency limited trains were running. One of which we managed to get in for. We got in around that time and had to wait until 19:02 for the train. Success! Or so we thought.
Alas at around 18:00 we were "regretfully" informed that because of the "adverse weather conditions" (oh yes) that all trains were cancelled for the day and that the tunnel was not allowing any trains to pass through. And that it would be the same situation tomorrow (Sunday).

So all in all a very fucking pointless day in London and now I am back home for the week much to my displeasure and have to suffer spending even more time with my family. Wonderful (he says with an air drenched in sarcasm).

I will leave you with a short video taken by two soldiers on the front lines of the 09 EuroStar Disaster...

Monday, 26 October 2009

I.AM.LOST.



I am a trawler, awash in a raging sea. With no sense of direction, or a sense of purpose. With no course in which to set sail. I am alone, I am isolated. I.Am.Lost...

Finally, I have awoken. From this aesthetic day dream I once perceived for reality. Only to find myself alone. Those who I hold most dear to me having lost all faith in me. And most importantly, having lost faith in myself. I am lost, in the forest of my own mind. Having made a wrong turn, unable to find my way back to the path I once walked. Stumbling through the darkness, searching desperately for the light. Unable to do so.

I am a hollow shell of my former self. Leaving me disgusted with what looks back at me in the mirror, and the little self respect I have left. When you do not like what you see in the mirror, what is there to do? I've been asking myself this very question. And I'm pretty sure I have the answer. Fight.

I'm not going to stand here and accept what I've become; those who do truly are lost. And may never be found. Because in order to be found, you must WANT to be found. No, I'm not going to roll over and die. Fuck that. I'm going to take a step back, assess my situation. Wipe my mind clear, and sort this shit out. I WILL struggle & fight my way through the darkness and tree's until I find that path which I once trod.

But this time I will make sure I do not stray from it again. I will stumble & fall. But I will pick myself back up and continue onward. Always heading forward. Because I have the heart, & passion to do this. No matter what obstacles I may face along the way, I shall overcome them. And master my own mind. I will once again drive my own bus (to quote an NLP concept).

I will throw off my metaphysical cape and lay down my wand (to coin a Daniel Madison phrase) and hermit myself for a while. To search for my identity, and discover who I really am. To discover my purpose. I refuse to lose myself completely. I won't let my spectators down, I WONT let my friends down, I RE-FUCKING-FUSE to let my self down. I will rise from the ashes of my failures and like a phoenix be re-born anew.

Look out world, my true potential WILL be unleashed upon you.

Mark My Words...

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Go.Out.Perform


Mundus Vult Decipi...

"The World Wants To Be Deceived..." - A phrase I've coined from Daniel Madison's arm tattoo. But rather relevant I feel, to the theme of this blog.

Basically, I have become lazy in these past few weeks. I haven't been performing that often. I've not been networking or looking for any gigs. And I don't feel I've been working on any new concepts as of late. Just flourishing. And whilst coming to this realisation I've decided something must be done.

I'm going to take advice from a popular phrase amongst Ignotus Defend and the whole T11 Community. "Go.Out.Perform." - That is exactly what I am going to do.
I'm going to start going out around Hanley or even just on campus and perform for people. Whenever I go back to Birmingham I'm going to make sure I get a good few performances in (just like the good old days when I first started not so long ago). I'm going to perform a lot more at the LRV and when we go to pubs etc. And I am defiantly going to start networking and looking for gigs.

I also need to work on the theory side of my magic. I haven't really created much recently. I've taken a few more vocal notes. But that's about it. I'm going to try and create some more concepts so I have more vocal notes to record. I'm going to finish off editing my first ebook and get it finished. I'm going to start my second ebook and get that finished soon. And I'm going to carry on reading more magic ebooks and work on finishing off Strong Magic by Darwin Ortiz.

I'm also going to get some of the ideas in my Personal Visual Notebook filmed and edited so I have some stuff to upload on the internet and show potential employers. Also for my own benefit so I can develop my creative skills in filming and editing and have more to show potential employers at the end of my degree. I also need to get some photo shoots done because I haven't had any pictures taken in ages and I really need to get my business cards done if I want to stand any chance of networking.

So as you can see I've got my work cut out for me. Being a Magician is much harder than you would expect. There is a lot of work you must do, and a shit load of practice. I haven't even mentioned staying on top of the magic community on the various websites//blogs.

But most of all what I need to do right now is improve my self, develop my skills and gain as much experience as possible, both good and bad. Because they are the most important things if I want to make it as a performer.

I need to go entertain the masses, I need to get out there and deceive the world once more. I need to Go.Out.Perform...


Peace.

Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Life's A Funny Thing...


You live your life, taking it day by day. Not knowing what life will throw at you. Just taking it in your stride. Sometimes you fall down, you get back up. You keep on going, maybe not knowing why. But you do it. Because you hold onto the belief that things will get better. They have too, right?

"Life is a funny thing..." - A phrase I can't get out my head as of late. But I wonder just what it means. Or what it means to me anyway. I guess to me it means, life likes to fuck with you. It's almost like it has a sense of humor (speaking like life is a living non-specific deity). Like sometimes things will happen and it'll just make you think "oh come on, are you taking the piss?!" And then question who you are actually talking to.

Sometimes it really does seem like someone or something is fucking with you. Things will happen that really do just take the piss. Or seem completely unfair and undeserved. I suffered from such an experience recently. I put all my hopes into something and went for it. Only to be slapped in the proverbial face royally. As I'm sure you are already aware, it fucking hurts.
I'm still suffering from it now, hence why this blog has a negative after taste. But it cannot be helped. As they say, Life is a funny thing...

Thankfully I posses the knowledge to cheer myself up and be happy, when I want too. But sometimes I think people enjoy feeling a little down. I'm sure some people will read that and think "what the fuck are you on about?". If you are one of these people then you are clearly not the target audience for this blog. But to those of you who read that and though "hmm, y'know I see his point" (or words to that effect). Then continue on.

It's only human to experience all kinds of emotions, both "good" & "bad". And so isn't feeling down or upset or even depressed just celebrating our humanistic traits, surely? You may disagree, of which you have every right, as a human being. And exploring my rights as a fellow human being, I can happily tell you to fuck off. As it is my opinion and I am entitled to it.

At present my life is in disarray. This is obvious as I have entered a new chapter of my life. And it's going to take a while yet for things to settle down. But I most deffinatly need to start getting my life back on track. I need to stay on top of my work load. I really need to obtain a job or some form of income. I need to stop being a lazy fuck and start performing again, and go searching for gigs. Not only because they are a source of income but because I need all the experience & practice I can get and that is the best form. I need to get back out there, and soon!

So from now on I am going to work towards those things, and turn my life in a more positive direction. For my sake, before I put my head through a window, or jump out of one. I have the drive, I have the determination, I just need to put it to good use. As someone once said, Life is a funny thing. Well I'm going to start driving my own bus once more, and master this funny thing we call life...


Peace.